If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
