i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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