Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
