The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
