she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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