So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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