So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
