Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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