did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize