Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
