I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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