I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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