Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
