I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
