she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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