my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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