True but thats because hes a fetus.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
