The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
