It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
