I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
where am i from again
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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