how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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