She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
