the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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