Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
