why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
