I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
