Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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