just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
