Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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