Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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