I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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