dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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