I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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