I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
