Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
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