Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
