I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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