he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
