Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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