last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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