Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
