No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
