call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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