I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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