Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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