I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
