Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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