Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize