i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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