so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
