mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize