Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
