Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize