my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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