Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
This beer is not sobering me up at all
two words...techno handjob
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just pee around me
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
