When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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