I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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