i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
