now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
there is puke in my bra ... again
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
