I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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