Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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