I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
