i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
