I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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