Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
