She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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